My heart is broken for your loss, I know now you sit alone with an empty womb, leaking breast and body that is healing after birth but has no idea that you came home with no baby in your arms. You find yourself full of anger, anguish and questions. Questioning why did God allow this pain, you wouldn’t even wish this tragedy on your own worse enemy. Its ok sister, go ahead and feel every emotion, cry a river, your feelings are valid. In order to heal you need to accept those feelings and let them go. Yes, it takes time and you may think, but when will it get better? I don’t have that answer for you but time does heal. Through this pain you will find strength, resilience and a life lesson will be learned through this loss.
11 years ago I experienced a loss, I was only 23 weeks pregnant with my first-born Autumn Sky. I was a happy first time mother just waiting for the arrival of my baby girl in September of 2007. But all that changed so quickly I went from a routine check up at the doctor’s office to sitting in a cold hospital bed in labor & delivery with an infection and in labor. That experience was honestly a blur as if my coping mechanism wasn’t allowing me to remember every single detail up until I pushed my premature baby out at that time into a colorless & sad world. I remember being so scared to even look at her, my husband, fiancé at the time cried out and said, “I don’t want my baby to die”, my already broken heart just broke some more and part of me died that morning. They wrapped Autumn in a blanket after they assessed her and handed her to me, her red, thin & translucent skin startled me, her eyes were still fused shut. But then I saw the beauty that she had, her head full of black hair, all her little toes & fingers, her little nose and her beautiful long lashes. She moved her legs and arms around as if she was still in my womb.
The pastor of the hospital came soon after as her duty to provide support for grieving parents. She insisted that we take pictures of Autumn and as a family, that one day we will cherish those moments since we were so against to do so. Why take pictures of such a painful moment I recall thinking? The pastor handed us a keepsake box made by a church volunteer along with grieving parents pamphlets, the box was the shape of a heart with a white flower on the lid and it contained a little white dress with colorful trimming for Autumn to wear. And I tell you what she looked absolutely beautiful in her dress; we then took pictures of her and as a family as we cherished those last and only moments of her being alive. As expected Autumn passed away an hour after her birth that morning in her white dress. The pastor then took her in her arms, returned the dress to us for a keepsake and took Autumn away from the room once we said our forever goodbyes in this physical world and that was the last time I saw my baby girl.
I too went home empty handed and with a broken heart I felt dead inside. How was I going to come back from all of this in once piece? Well sister it took time, it took prayer, it took tears and a lot of emotional healing but I finally accepted her death. There are days that I question the what if’s? Since now thanks to medical advancement and training there are premature babies being born as early as 22 weeks and given a chance of survival and they make it and are walking miracles. Autumn is not here with me but because of her I have her siblings, because of her I’m able to share our story and bring awareness about Incompetent Cervix and pregnancy loss. If we can help someone as you through your pain and bring support that is enough for me. Time heals and your baby would always be part of you, as you are part of them.
This post was written by Jessica Caldwell