Mama, I see you.
I see that you’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, emotionally spent. You’ve got a tiny baby on your chest that never stops needing you.
I see you.
I’ve been you.
I got out of bed because I had to. I had to be a mother, but more importantly, I WANTED to be a mother. You want to be a mother too. You waited so long to become a mother, to hold your little squishy baby.
I don’t think anyone wakes up in the morning wanting to be depressed. I know you feel the same way most days.
For a year, I kept thinking “it’ll get better when this happens” or “when the baby gets older it’ll get easier then I’ll be happy”.
The expression “the grass is always greener on the other side” is so true for how I felt and sometimes still do feel on a daily basis.
My daily life became a battle, fending off invitations to play from my own children; almost hiding from them, getting continually irritated cause the baby won’t stop crying, waking up every day waiting for nap time, for my husband to get home from work, for the kids to go to bed. All so that I could get up and try to do it all again. It felt so isolating, so mind-numbing.
But, I was good at hiding it. I kept going. I know you’re probably hiding it too. Because you’re feeling guilty or you think you should feel differently so you keep going.
You don’t need to hide it. I know, easier said than done.
With help and support, it gets better. Don’t be afraid to go get what you need. It’ll be so worth it in the end.
I can’t take back what happened. I may eventually let go of the guilt. But I can learn from it and become a better mother despite my struggle with postpartum depression.
You can too. Because I’m not the only one who sees you.
Ayla is a 26-year-old homeschooling mother of three (7, 4 and 2). Ayla lives in Eastern Canada and blogs about her adventures in homeschooling with her husband Greg at Neapolitan Homeschool. (www.neapolitanhomeschool.com)